Momma Didn’t Raise No Fool

As I’m getting ready to run out the door today, the phone rang. I answered it automatically, thinking it would be my mom with a request to grab something at the grocery store on my way to their place. I glanced at the Caller ID as I said hello, and I realized this was not the case. Crap.

What follows is just a summary of the actual phone call. Some of the conversation has been cut for content. Also because I forgot.

Me: (Begrudgingly)”Hello?”

Random uber-chipper woman: “Hello, is Jennifer C**** in, please?”

Me: “This is she.”

RU-CW: “Hi Jennifer! This is Some Annoying Woman from Some Vacation Company. Did you happen to attend the 7th Annual Eastern Pennsylvania Home Show a few weeks back?”

Me: “Uh, yes?”

RU-CW:”And, Jennifer, do you remember filling out a form for a vacation contest? Right in the front when you came in?”

Me:”Um. Vaguely.”

RU-CW:(chuckles)”Well, Jennifer (I HATE people using my full name repeatedly, especially solicitors), then I have some FANTASTIC news for you! You’ve won! You’re about to go on a one week trip to Orlando, Florida for four with two day passes to Universal Studios included! And just because you filled out the contest form at that home show, you’ve won an additional three day trip to FABULOUS Las Vegas, Nevada! And, also, just because it’s Saturday and I wiped my ass sideways this morning, we’re going to throw in one more FABULOUS trip to beautiful ARUBA. That’s in the Caribbean, you know.”

Me: “Yeah. I know where Aruba is….so, wait, you’re just giving me these three trips, no strings, no catch?”

RU-CW: “The only thing we ask is that you have a FANTASTIC time! And, of course, attend a quick hour and a half seminar where we try to rope you in to buying a time share. OH, and did I mention, your FABULOUS trip that you’ve just won will only cost you a FOUR HUNDRED DOLLAR registration fee AND your credit card information? Now, how’s about you give up that expiration date?”

Me:”Um…I’m not especially comfortable giving my credit card information over the phone…you said something about an information packet? Can you just send that to me and I can send a check or something?”

RU-CW:”Well, Jennifer I certainly understand you not wanting to share your information, let me just assure you we are registered with the Better Business Bureau, are on the New York Stock Exchange, blahdy blah blah blah…”

Me:(getting impatient)”Yes, that’s all great, and I appreciate you telling me. I feel much better now. You’re still not getting my credit card information. Because I don’t have any. Credit cards, that is. I just have my bank card, and I’m not giving you that.”

RU-CW:(not so chipper now, actually)”So, what you’re saying is, you don’t have any money?”

Me:”Oh, I have money, you’re just not getting any of it today.”

And can you guess what happened then? Can you?

BITCH DONE HUNG UP.

Moral of the story kids? If it sounds to good to be true, IT ALWAYS IS. And don’t bother with the vacation giveaways at home shows. (Although I think that moral’s just for me.)