Dear Canine Resident at (address redacted), Allentown, PA:
It has come to management’s attention that recent actions and activities in which you have taken part are in direct violation to the residence and cohabitation contract you entered into in April of 2004.
Upon agreement of said contract, it was management’s responsibility to provide the shelter, food, and water necessesary, with additional needs such as bathing, grooming, walks, and veterinary visits included on a strictly as-needed basis.
Not exclusive to contract were fringe benefits such as treats, belly rubs, ear scritches, and couch time. During initial negotiations management agreed to forgo the need for Snuggle Time directly related to Resident’s ‘Good Boy’ status, seeing as Resident was initially and continually resistant to said Snuggle Time.
However, in light of recent incidents in which Management’s living room carpet has been used as a restroom, Management has deemed it necessary to remind you of your ‘Good Boy’ obligations, wherein it is your responsibility to conduct your Important Business outside the Residence. To facilitate the carrying on of Important Business outside the Residence, Management has agreed to participate in additional outings and longer walks.
Should Resident continue to befoul the inside of the Residence, Management will have no course but to help Resident find other accomodations, perhaps at (address redacted) in the Poconos, PA.
Thank you for your kind and prompt attention to this matter.
Management, (address redacted), Allentown, PA.
Kindly suck it.