Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, filler

Dear Netflix, You Win.

I admit defeat. I’ve had this movie in my house since August 16th and I’ve never even opened the envelope. Ten bucks a month to borrow a movie for almost three months. I could have bought it twice.

So I’m sending it back, unwatched, with my head held high and my dignity in place. I may never find out what happens in the movie in which John Krasinsky and Mia Rudolph are adorable hipsters having a baby, and I’m okay with it.

But I swear to God, I will watch the next one.

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, filler

Oh, Noes!

I missed my Friday NaBloPoMo post! I blame tiredness. I fell asleep at 8 pm last night, which resulted in a ridiculously early wake up time this morning. (4 AM!) I’m using the time wisely and being productive, though. Two loads of laundry folded, cleaned the bedroom, and made the bed. Hooray for me! I have some cupcakes to bake and must scrub the bathroom and clean my floors yet, for I have company coming this afternoon for a Scrabble and Wii Guitar Battle Royale. To the death! (not really)

If I don’t make it, tell my mother I love her.

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, shit that amuses me, who let me have a blog?

What Happens at Work When I’m Bored. A (Somewhat Blurry) Photoessay.

So I have this shirt.

It’s alright, as shirts go. Certainly not fashion-forward, in any sense of the term. But it’s…kinda cute, and it serves its purpose, which for me means it gives me something to wear to work when I don’t feel like wearing my usual scrubs.
But what is that little ass pocket for? As far as I can tell it’s too small to serve any real function.
My pens would fall right out of there. Not good.
Handheld computerized Yahtzee? Maybe. But the battery’s dead, so no point in that.
Hello Kitty? Oh, I wish. But she might fall out and get lost forever. Sadness.
Paperclips = lamesauce.
Wait a minute…what’s this?
Swedish Fish? Perfect fit!
And delicious, to boot.
Om nom nom.
Adios, fishies!
Posted in adventures in stupidity, damn men, life, Uncategorized

Quick Thoughts On Internet Dating

Attention men who keep attempting to contact me on my forgotten internet dating profile:

If you send me a ‘wink’ or a ‘smile’ on said Internet Dating Site but live in Kalamazoo, Kauai, or California, do not expect a reply. If in fact I do decide I’m ready to date, I’d appreciate someone within driving range.

Dude. It is Two Thousand and Mother Fucking Nine. Put a damn picture on your profile already. I’m not asking for a lot – not a professional photographer’s portrait. A recent (as in after 1997) close up of your face, even by cell phone, will do nicely.

Don’t make comments about the size of my ass and expect a reply.

Thanks for checking out my forgotten internet dating profile, and have a nice day.

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, lack of common sense, shit that amuses me

If It’s A Girl? Jennifer, Of Course.

My brother from another mother closest work friend Wilson just told me this week that his wife is expecting their second child. I reacted in the typical girl fashion; that is to say I squealed, clapped my hands, jumped up and down, and tackle/hugged him until he said, “Okay, okay, shh.”

I tend to get excited at good news. Ask my BFF J, who gave me the same news as Wilson did earlier this week and I almost dropped the phone. (Yep, I’m going to be ‘Aunt Jenn’ again, I’m so thrilled for J & E. I’m also not drinking the water, because. Dude. So many babies!)

Anyway. With impending baby news comes impending ‘What are we going to name the baby’ speculation, and Wilson wasted no time combing websites looking for names for his (possibly) baby boy. I rallied for Lucius. As in Malfoy. Wilson’s wife J shot it down hard. Sad Panda.

They’re looking for a name that goes with their chosen middle name (a family name), Justice, which just made this the most awesome game ever. I’ve taken to inter-office emailing him when inspiration strikes. Here are just a few of my favorites.

To:Wilson
From: JC
Subj: I’ve Got It.

Knight.

Knight Ryder Wilson.

You’re welcome.

To:JC
From:Wilson
Subj:Re:I’ve Got It.

No.

Damn.

To:Wilson
From:JC
Subj:YES.

Stark.

Stark Justice Wilson.

Dude. You are FUCKING WELCOME.

To:JC
From:Wilson
Subj:Re:YES

No.


Sonofa…

To:Wilson
From:JC
Subj:Seriously.

Steel.

Steel Justice Wilson.

AM BABY-NAMING GENIUS. NEED TO WRITE BOOK ON NAMING BABIES.

Didn’t get a reply to this one, actually.

Big mistake, Wilson. Huge.

Now I start to get desperate.

To:Wilson
From:JC
(No subject)

Tracker.

Trapper?

TRIPPER. AS IN JACK.

You know, Three’s Company?

COME ON.

*Crickets*

The hell? THIS IS BABY-NAMING GOLD. YOU ARE MISSING OUT, MR. WILSON.

The Hail Mary:

To:Wilson
From:JC
(no Subject)

Plaxico?

T. Rex?

SPIDERMAN

Nothing.

I’m entirely underappreciated.

Wilson told me later that so far he and J are liking the name Logan.

“Like Wolverine, snikt snikt?” I said, hopefully, making Wolverine hands (like jazz hands! Only with pantomiming Adamantium claws!)

“As in Wolverine, snikt snikt.”

“I suppose that’s fine.”

SQUEE!

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, shit that amuses me, twitter

Drunken Quotes (And Tweets and Facebook Statuses) From Last Night

Before Dinner, 5 PM

Me via FB: Dinner tonight at the Melting Pot, tomorrow at Cactus Blue. Saving money, I’m doing it wrong.

Cheryl via FB: Dinner at the melting pot 🙂

7PM

Me via Twitter: No tables at the Melting pot until 9 w/out a res. Bar service it is, I want fondue.

7:45 PM

Me, to Cheryl: mmmm, this wine is good.

Me via Twitter: Mmmmm, Gerwurztraminer.

8:00 PM

Cheryl, to me: That was good, but I’m still hungry. And those martinis look fantastic.

Me: NO MORE DRINKS. We’ll stop at McDonald’s or something, get you something to sober up.

Cheryl: OOOH, FRENCH FRIES!

Me: Yes, we’ll get you some french fries.

Cheryl: I want some onion rings. Like the beer battered kind. Not those breaded shits I can buy in the store. Seriously, fuck those kind.

Me via FB:
BTW, Cheryl on two glasses of White Zin? Hilarioussss. (Also seen here.)

Me: I don’t feel like going home yet, it’s early.

Cheryl: Me, either.

Me: OOH! We should go to the Sands!

Cheryl: OKAY!

8:30. PM

Upon leaving the restaurant, we pass a small cafe that has closed for the evening with their menu posted on the window.

Cheryl: QUESADILLAS!

Me, via Twitter: Heading to The Sands with drunk bitch in tow.

And it all goes downhill from there. There was gambling, boobs, creepers, fantastic Irish coffee, and humping of dessert products. And because of facebook and Twitter, it’s all been recorded for internet posterity.

Thanks, social media.

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, don't mind me I'm new at this, filler, who let me have a blog?

Blerg.

Minimum Blog Reqirement, Day 2. Sue me.

Not much to report except my Phillies are, I’m sorry to say, not repeat World Series Champions. (And I will be the first to say I had serious doubts that they would be, so keep the snarky “Philadelphia fans suck” comments to yourself, TYVM.) Jayson Werth, if you need consoling, you know who to call.

Also, I fail at Cupcake Pops. I was attempting them for a work baby shower, and it did not. Go well. Suffice to say I have (delicious) balls of cake and frosting in my fridge, and I doubt I’m going to have them covered in chocolate before 8 AM tomorrow. Heh. Balls. The bruschetta I made came out good, though. Ooh! There’s a post for tomorrow.

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, life, shit that amuses me

Plus I’m Really Concentrating on the Phillies Right Now, So…

I’ve been trying to think of something to write about, but most of the funny shit that’s happened lately has been that you-had-to-be-there kind of shit and I try to write about them but the words come out all wrong and halfway through the post it’s so not funny anymore so what the hell is the point of boring you with it so I give up and end up not posting for weeks days at a time.

Like last Thursday when my best friend J gave me her house key so I could feed the fish while she and her family went out of town but then had to come to my house later that night and get it when she realized she’d left the house without a spare and had no way to get back in the house the night before they left for Orlando. See? Funny as hell then, not so much now. Also proof that I’m not the only dip shit around these parts.
Or Saturday when Big Poppa and I were headed to the Penn State/Minnesota game in the middle of a Nor’Easter and at some point during the increasingly snowy drive westward on Rte. 80 he turned and said to me, “Why the hell are we doing this today?” And I said, “DEDICATION! We’re supporting our team! We don’t want to lose a hundred bucks on the tickets!” To which he said, “Also, we’re jackasses. Don’t forget that.” Funny then, not so much now.
I do have some recipes to post, which I’ll get to soon, because one is a southwestern style turkey meatloaf that you need to make, like, immediately, but I have some pressing matters to attend to at home first. Like the laundry and the vaccumming and oh yeah did I mention we’re finally installing the new kitchen floor this weekendOHMYFUGGINGAHI’MSOEXCITED!!!1!!
So there’s that. Until then I’ll continue to bore you with stories that are only funny to me.
Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, lack of common sense

I Fail at Driving.

I went out last night (no, really) to celebrate a co-worker’s husband’s 30th birthday at…wait for it…a BAR. I KNOW, RIGHT? Me actually being social, it’s a miracle. Or so some of the locals I follow on Twitter tell me. (Seriously kids, would a weekend ‘Tweet-up’ kill you guys? I get tired during the week.)

Anyway, the bar where the party was being held is located in downtown Easton, which if you’ve never been there is a mish mash of one-way streets and traffic circles and on-street parking. I’ve been down there quite a few times so I at first I wasn’t concerned so much with finding a place to park, but navigating the traffic circle and surrounding area at night proved to be a fucking nightmare a tad challenging.

I pull up the street to the flashing red light to enter the cirlce, where flashing red lights mean…go, apparently. I wait for oncoming traffic to pass, then pull out into the circle, and of course am promptly met with a solid red light, which means stop. There’s no one around me, so I edge to the right lane as a quick glance around the circle has determined there’s no available parking directly on the circle (of COURSE it’s not that easy). I pull down one of the side streets and the second block down has empty spots, so I edge over, only to see that the whole block is a bus stop, and the people standing there were indeed waiting for the bus. I got nervous that folks standing there would think I was slowing down and pulling over to offer someone a ride or purchase illicit substances, so I quickly pull back into traffic and continue down the street. Nothing on the next block, or the one after that. And now we’re four or five blocks away from the circle and the bar and screw that noise because I bought new shoes for the occasion and while they’re not totally uncomfortable I don’t relish walking extended distances in them. I hang a U-ey in a gas station parking lot and head back towards the circle.

Solid red light. I take the time to scan the immediate area for any openings (nothing) and orient myself as to the location of myself and my intended destination, and steel myself for another trip around the circle andheywhatthefuckOMGI’msorryJESUSCHRISTI’MDRIVINGHERE! That went well. Back down another side street, to no avail. I turn right, then right again to head back and HOLY SHIT I’M GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET! ABORT ABORT ABORT! I quickly pull into an alleyway that leads into some creepy-looking private underground parking but probably costs 10 grand a year to park there, just barely am able to turn around in the alley, turn out onto the street the correct way, and head back to the circle yet again. Still cannot avoid pulling out in front of someone. Still no available parking. I try another side street, and nothing. No almost incidents, but no parking either. Lather, rinse, repeat, and I’m back down another side street, which looks an awful lot like one I’ve already been down but HOLY CRAP THERE’S A SPOT! And it’s only a block from the circle! TURN AROUND, QUICK! Which I do. ON A ONE-WAY STREET. THE WRONG WAY.

I pull into the parking spot, which is the easiest part of the drive for me because back when I was learning to drive parallel parking was the one thing my father made me do over and over again even though anyone who took their driver’s test at the DMV in Mt. Pocono, PA knows they made you do a three-point turn instead, so when I took the test and they made me do a three-point turn I failed because I hadn’t practiced even though I was taking the test in my grandma’s tiny red Ford Festiva. Thanks, Dad. *eyeroll* Anyway, I throw the car in park and get out, approximately fifteen minutes after I started looking for a spot, and a good ten minutes after I passed up the spot that was four blocks away. The spot that, had I taken, would have ensured an earlier arrival at the party, much less swearing and anxiety, and much less opportunity for traffic violations. If you think I’ve ‘learned my lesson’ or something you’d be wrong. I’ll probably do the same damn thing next time.

Posted in adventures in stupidity, daily, life

If I told you how much this happened to me you’d just shake your head and chuckle sadly.

Back when I used to shop uncontrollably to make myself feel better have credit cards, I bought this GORGEOUS yet ridiculously expensive bag. I don’t carry it much, because it’s more of a spring/summer bag, and also because it’s enormous. This bag could be used as carry-on luggage. It could hold a dead body (well, parts of a dead body). I could go all Paris Hilton and carry about a dozen tea cup chihuahuas in it.

100_1300 by you.

It’s a big purse, okay?

Anyway.

I’ve been carrying this gorgeous yet awkwardly oversize bag for about two months, but have been switching out on the occasion when I want to travel light, with just my wallet, keys, and cellphone. Which is what I did Friday night when I went to dinner with my family to celebrate my grandfather’s birthday. Good dinner, fun times.

Cut to today, when I planned to leave the house for the first time this weekend to go grocery shopping. I grabbed my big bag, threw in my shopping list and reusable bags (see? Huge.), and headed out the door. I stopped first at a Certain Greeting Card store to pick up a couple of cards for friends. I proceeded to pay for said cards and found – surprise! – no wallet. I had no wallet in my purse. I profusely apologize to the ladies behind the counter and leave the store, embarrassed as all get out.

On the way home I realized the wallet was in my back up bag since Friday night. And since I hadn’t gone anywhere all day yesterday, it never made it back into my original bag. Um, DUH.

By the time I got back home I was in the midst of a full-blown bitch fit. It was after 4:30, and I really did not feel like going back out. So, I figured to heck with it, and decided to order in Chinese instead of making FAHEETAS! as I’d originally planned.

Here’s hoping tomorrow doesn’t bite me in the ass like today did.