Posted in daily, la familia, shit that amuses me

In case you were wondering who I got it from.

This weekend is supposed to be the first (and most likely only. Grumble.) honest-to-goodness hot and sunny weekend of the summer, and I made last minute plans to take a half day off tomorrow and spend Friday into Saturday at my parents’ place to relax by the pool.

I’m going over my mental list of shit to take along and couldn’t remember if there was any dog food left from 4th of July weekend for Jasper, so I called Mama-San quick to check. She was upstairs when I called, and the food is kept downstairs. What follows is a transcript of the conversation that took place between my parents that was YELLED INTO THE PHONE for my benefit.

Mama-San: “HUSBAND!”

Big Poppa: “WHAT?!”

M-S: “Can you please check in the laundry room and see if there’s dog food?”

B P: “WHY?!”

Pause.

M-S: “Uh, because I’m hungry and thought I’d have a little snack?”

B P: “Screw you.”

Mama-San, to me: “It’s a good thing you got your father’s looks and my brains, sweetie.”

Posted in daily, la familia, life, shit that amuses me

IM Confessions, First Edition.

I actually logged into my IM tonight and ended up chatting with my good friend Jess from Wisconsin, whom I haven’t spoken with in a while. I miss her (and our chats) like crazy, and usually while we’re chatting I think to myself, “Oh, I totally need to blog this.”

And so I do.

On my Cougar Bait:

Me: Shia Lebouf does not wear diapers
Jess: his balls haven’t dropped yet
Me: he’s 23
Me: legal
Me: good enough for me
Jess: there’s no fuzz on his peaches
Me: lmfao
Jess: shit hes too young for Demi Moore even
Jess: just saying
Me: I’m younger than Demi Moore, so it’s all good
Jess: lmfao I guess, thats okay then
Me: darn tootin it is
Jess: besides, since I don’t want him, it seems unfair to keep you from him
Jess: I’m sure that you two will be bounding towards each other in a field of flowers in no time
Me: fingers crossed
Jess: lol yes *fingers crossed*

On How Time Flies:

Jess: I can’t believe that it’s almost the end of June already
Me: I know
Me: it’s going so quick
Jess: my mom’s birthday is coming up on the 30th
Me: Peanut’s b-day is the 29th, she’s four already
Me: my BFF’s little one
Jess: shitballs. That time thing is a killer, huh?
Me: indeed
Jess: I remember when you showed me the pics of her right after she was born
Jess: my niece is going to be 15 now
Me: oh man, that’s gotta make you feel old
Me: Baby Cousin’s going to be 15 in July
Me: so I’m right there with you
Jess: lol, not so old as the nieces who are going to be 21 and 23 this year
Me: oh holy shit
Jess: yeah, oh snap
Me: fucking kids
Jess: lol, that’s how I feel about it. Time to off them so I seem younger
Me: lol you got it
Jess: the evil queen’s way of staying young
Me: works for me

On A Complete Lack of Maternal Instincts:

Jess: I think that my mom is trying to pull out all the stops in her new quest for me to procreate
Jess: apparently she and my sister in law have been talking about it
Me: there’s trouble
Jess: Sis in law is about as subtle as a chainsaw
Jess: so I came over to my mom’s last week, and I got to hear about how I shouldn’t get a car without 4 doors, not because it would be impractical for school, but because I WILL HAVE A TOUGH TIME PUTTING A BABY SEAT IN A TWO-DOOR
Jess: kill me
Jess: This defies all logic
Me: has there even been any prospects lately that would give her the idea that you’re thinking about it?
Jess: I’m single, haven’t seen the business end of a penis since before the primary, and yet, I have to focus on where I will put a baby seat in the “near” future?
Me: ok that answers that in the most awesome way possible
Jess: nope, not even a whiff of a man
Jess: Apparently, my ill-spent eggs will start hatching on their own
Me: oooh
Me: like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park
Me: only scary
Me: On Memorial Day I pretty much told my mom how it is regarding procreation
Me: I was giving Jas a bath
Jess: what did yo tell her?
Me: and he was all over the damn place, as he is wont to do
Jess: lol
Me: there’s much exploring to be done up there, you see.
Me: and he went into the woods AGAIN
Jess: oh geez
Me: after I just yelled at him five fucking times NOT to.
Jess: tick ticky ticky
Me: exactly
Me: that’s how he got the mites last year – there’s foxes in the woods and shit
Jess: yeep
Jess: not cool
Me: and he comes moping back to where I was hosing him down
Jess:lmfao
Me: I just looked at my mom and said, “This? THIS is why I can’t have kids.”I love the little bastard, but he’ll be the death of me. I can’t imagine going through that shit with a small human.

Posted in daily, scenes from the suburban ghetto, shit that amuses me

Scenes From the Suburban Ghetto, Act 2

Three little girls are playing in the fenced in postage stamp yard of the White Trash Contingent. The game (for the next two minutes, anyway) apparently involves jumping from the top of some sort of two foot tall plastic slide structure to the seat of one of those flimsy plastic patio chairs, set approximately eight inches away.

“No, you go first, then I’ll go second, then she’ll go third…”
“OK, just GO!”
“But, wait, what if I go first…”
“I wanna be the mama!” (Poor child obviously thought they were still playing house)
“JUST. GO.”
“Don’t push!”
“GO!”
“ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT.” Now the child starts brandishing the plastic chair as some sort of weapon. “Who wants a beatdown? Because the next person that pushes my butt is getting one!”

Posted in daily, filler, shit that amuses me

Passive Aggressive Land, Population: Me.

You know how some people that have a nice car, like a Lexus or something, have a tendency to park far away in a parking lot or take up two whole spots so nobody parks next to them and take the chance of scratching their precious vehicle? Some days I dream about parking right next to their car, like six inches away, just to fuck with them.

But I’m a dick like that, so.

Posted in daily, life, shit that amuses me

Momma Didn’t Raise No Fool

As I’m getting ready to run out the door today, the phone rang. I answered it automatically, thinking it would be my mom with a request to grab something at the grocery store on my way to their place. I glanced at the Caller ID as I said hello, and I realized this was not the case. Crap.

What follows is just a summary of the actual phone call. Some of the conversation has been cut for content. Also because I forgot.

Me: (Begrudgingly)”Hello?”

Random uber-chipper woman: “Hello, is Jennifer C**** in, please?”

Me: “This is she.”

RU-CW: “Hi Jennifer! This is Some Annoying Woman from Some Vacation Company. Did you happen to attend the 7th Annual Eastern Pennsylvania Home Show a few weeks back?”

Me: “Uh, yes?”

RU-CW:”And, Jennifer, do you remember filling out a form for a vacation contest? Right in the front when you came in?”

Me:”Um. Vaguely.”

RU-CW:(chuckles)”Well, Jennifer (I HATE people using my full name repeatedly, especially solicitors), then I have some FANTASTIC news for you! You’ve won! You’re about to go on a one week trip to Orlando, Florida for four with two day passes to Universal Studios included! And just because you filled out the contest form at that home show, you’ve won an additional three day trip to FABULOUS Las Vegas, Nevada! And, also, just because it’s Saturday and I wiped my ass sideways this morning, we’re going to throw in one more FABULOUS trip to beautiful ARUBA. That’s in the Caribbean, you know.”

Me: “Yeah. I know where Aruba is….so, wait, you’re just giving me these three trips, no strings, no catch?”

RU-CW: “The only thing we ask is that you have a FANTASTIC time! And, of course, attend a quick hour and a half seminar where we try to rope you in to buying a time share. OH, and did I mention, your FABULOUS trip that you’ve just won will only cost you a FOUR HUNDRED DOLLAR registration fee AND your credit card information? Now, how’s about you give up that expiration date?”

Me:”Um…I’m not especially comfortable giving my credit card information over the phone…you said something about an information packet? Can you just send that to me and I can send a check or something?”

RU-CW:”Well, Jennifer I certainly understand you not wanting to share your information, let me just assure you we are registered with the Better Business Bureau, are on the New York Stock Exchange, blahdy blah blah blah…”

Me:(getting impatient)”Yes, that’s all great, and I appreciate you telling me. I feel much better now. You’re still not getting my credit card information. Because I don’t have any. Credit cards, that is. I just have my bank card, and I’m not giving you that.”

RU-CW:(not so chipper now, actually)”So, what you’re saying is, you don’t have any money?”

Me:”Oh, I have money, you’re just not getting any of it today.”

And can you guess what happened then? Can you?

BITCH DONE HUNG UP.

Moral of the story kids? If it sounds to good to be true, IT ALWAYS IS. And don’t bother with the vacation giveaways at home shows. (Although I think that moral’s just for me.)

Posted in daily, filler, shit that amuses me, twitter, who let me have a blog?

Twitter, Best of Edition.

I’m sorry, but I’m a very funny person. You obviously know this already, since you’re reading my blog and all, but I figure you need some more proof. So here’s my greatest Twitter hits from the past week…or so.

Upon arriving home for the weekend…
Hey Friday at 5pm. Let’s make out. I’ll even let you get to second base.

Upon catching a bit of Star Wars on TV Saturday night, in the space of about five minutes…
Los Eisley space port. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany. We must be cautious.

You don’t need to see his identification.

These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Fast ship? You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

She’s the ship that made the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs. She’s fast enough for you, old man.

FYI that exact same thing happens every time I watch Jaws, except about ten times worse. (It’s true.)

On Sunday:
In honor of March 8th, I’m taking all the Christmas music off my iPod. It made me feel accomplished for the weekend.

Spending Sunday worshiping at the Church(es) of Her Holy Home Maintenance, Repair, and Remodeling. Another trip to Lowe’s and Home Depot with Mom and Dad, in which I accomplished exactly squat.

During the week last week:

I was a good girl and had salad for lunch. I believe that warrants a hot dog and a fountain vanilla coke from Greasy Dick’s.
Heh. Greasy Dick’s. Heh.

New iPod Shuffle holds 4 fucking gigs, can fucking TALK, for 79 fucking dollars. Think a trip to the Apple store is in order.

Make that the fucking Apple store. Abso-fucking-lutely.

Comcast, we need to talk about those new uber-creepy ‘Comcast Town’ commercials. Gah.

Chandra Wilson is so the only reason I’m still watching Grey’s Anatomy. Well. That, and Eric Dane’s jawline.
For reals, yo.

Friday again:
This has been the kind of day that only a giant Reese’s peanut butter egg can fix. Guess what I just found at Walgreens? NOMNOMNOM

While watching Dollhouse:
Tahmoh Penikett needs to be more naked on this show. #dollhouse

Saturday A.M.:
My left eye keeps twitching. I think it’s because my kitchen and living room are filthy. So there’s my job for today.

A stern warning:
@flapjackjames Tyler Florence is MINE. BACK OFF, WOMAN.

Needz moar procraztinashun plz kthxbai:
Oh dear lord in heaven, Season 3 of Buffy is on Hulu.

Winding down, now…on Sunday:
Area ‘classic rock’ radio station now playing Nirvana. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I. Am. Old. #fuckyouclearchannel No, seriously. Fuck you.

And just today:

Is organic instant oatmeal oxymoronic? Either way, it’s damn tasty.

You’re very cute and I get the ‘look’ you’re going for. But I’m pretty sure if those fake dog tags had a name on them it’d be ‘Douchebag’

See? Comedy gold, in 140 characters or less.

If you’re on Twitter, you should totally follow me. And if you’re not on Twitter, you should be.

Posted in daily, scenes from the suburban ghetto, shit that amuses me

Scenes From the Suburban Ghetto, Act 1

On a quiet street in a darkened neighborhood at eight o’clock at night, there’s man in a red Jazzy scooter equipped with neither headlight nor reflective tape, rolling down the middle of the street with no regard to the evening traffic. A passing motorist honks in warning.

The oblivious man in the red Jazzy scooter rolls on.